I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I can't put those talents on a resume
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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