I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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