yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
