for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
