I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
