Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
