HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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