I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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