you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
