if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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