turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
