hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
