No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
