One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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