Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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