I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
