I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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