I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Someone shattered a urinal.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
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