So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
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I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
how does that bad decision feel?
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