I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
