i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
