NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
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sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
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They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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