ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
