I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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