she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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