Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I deserve this hangover.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
