Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
