You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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