Plan B is the new Plan A
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
