I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
