That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
