Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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