I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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