You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i drank out of a bidet.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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