a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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