let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
