I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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