that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
