Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
