how can u be prego again
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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