I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
