I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
