So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
