I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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