She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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