Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
