1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Randomize
