Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
