looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
