It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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