i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
