he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
