I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
