Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
