Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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