i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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