Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
