forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
