i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
