its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm having to shit out rocks
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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