I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
